I Am 16, Going on 17

With my 17th birthday coming up, I want to take a while and reflect on what being 16 years old is like for me, and some of the highlights.

It was very scary at first, for two reasons. Reason number one is because as a young girl (and even still), I enjoyed watching Sound of Music. Retaining none of the history, not much of the plot, drama, characters, or inspiration at the age of about 9, the one thing I understood was the scene where the mail delivery boy, Ralph, visits Leasle and both are so in love. One of the repetitive lines in the song they sing is, "I am 16, going on 17," and also stood out to me. As such, I had got it into my head that 16 was supposed to be a deeply romantic age. Well, that's not exactly how it's been turning out! It was God's grace that showed me first to save not only my purity, but also the fullness of my love only for the man I marry, if God so plans. Rather than a year of careless dating, this has been a year of careful conduct. To tell the truth, I am very happy to be nearly at the end of being 16 years old just to get over perhaps a small fraction of hormones jumping off the charts and the increasing obsession that was cemented this year, but completely absent the rest of my life: fashion.

The second reason I was so afraid to turn 16 was because I was terrified at the thought of having my first birthday with Trent being dead. The scary thought of growing older without my closest in age brother right on my heels into the land of teenagers was creeping in my mind. I was being pushed farther from my brother. But I am reminded of something my Mom told me that was very true and, well, weird, "Don't worry about forgetting the details (about Trent) here: you will have an eternity in Heaven to get to know him again." How true! Lately, eternity is seeming to take forever to start. But once is starts, it will never stop. To think of it logically, would I obsess about worrying about the smallest detail of remembering my brother if I knew I would be apart for a while, but see him again in a few weeks? God has carried me through all of the tough and painful grief every single step of the way. I cannot explain it too well, but it seems like even at the worst points of not understanding why it must hurt this deep, feeling like I'm losing the battle, and like I'm all alone, I constantly have this heart-knowledge that God is right here, even though he may feel a hundred miles away. Sometimes the mental picture comes to mind of my crying literally in God's mighty hands (his Sovereignty), and seeing my hot tears fall into the creases of his fingers, bottling them up. Yes, grieving will be worth it, and it is not unbearable through him who gives me strength (Phillipians 4:13).

A few highlights of the year have been these: attending a two week leadership training camp, serving as a co-counselor in a Bible camp, writing two children's books (which I really do plan to write about!) signing up for a missions project next summer, and preparing for a half-homemade Christmas. My family decided to make half the gifts we give each other and buy the other half. I would tell you what I made and how, and even add pictures, but my family sometimes reads my blog and I can't have them snooping!

God has really grown me in my faith this year too. I am realizing the depth of my sin more, and the glory and majesty of Jesus my Savior more too. Being emotional was not a big part of my past, it took a lot to make me cry. But now with Trent's death, the tiniest thing sets me off. I am glad of it though: God has, in a way, increased my compassion through it. Sanctification is tougher the farther you get! You also get a bigger glimpse of God's glory through it.

I started with sharing of the wanting to be 16 years old, and now here are major thoughts on being 17. First, I am a little afraid of being 17. It is the last birthday anyone gets as a kid, and oh, I loved my childhood! Great family, good friends, beautiful memories. 17 is near the last age of transitioning into a young lady, and is a little sad. But there is also joy. Cooking, making soap with Mom, and even doing dishes have been so enjoyable this year, and even more so at the thought that maybe one day I, too, will be a mother. I am very excited about becoming a mature young lady for God, and seeing what he will do in my life for the fame of his name and the good of his people, as he promised.