I Am 16, Going on 17

With my 17th birthday coming up, I want to take a while and reflect on what being 16 years old is like for me, and some of the highlights.

It was very scary at first, for two reasons. Reason number one is because as a young girl (and even still), I enjoyed watching Sound of Music. Retaining none of the history, not much of the plot, drama, characters, or inspiration at the age of about 9, the one thing I understood was the scene where the mail delivery boy, Ralph, visits Leasle and both are so in love. One of the repetitive lines in the song they sing is, "I am 16, going on 17," and also stood out to me. As such, I had got it into my head that 16 was supposed to be a deeply romantic age. Well, that's not exactly how it's been turning out! It was God's grace that showed me first to save not only my purity, but also the fullness of my love only for the man I marry, if God so plans. Rather than a year of careless dating, this has been a year of careful conduct. To tell the truth, I am very happy to be nearly at the end of being 16 years old just to get over perhaps a small fraction of hormones jumping off the charts and the increasing obsession that was cemented this year, but completely absent the rest of my life: fashion.

The second reason I was so afraid to turn 16 was because I was terrified at the thought of having my first birthday with Trent being dead. The scary thought of growing older without my closest in age brother right on my heels into the land of teenagers was creeping in my mind. I was being pushed farther from my brother. But I am reminded of something my Mom told me that was very true and, well, weird, "Don't worry about forgetting the details (about Trent) here: you will have an eternity in Heaven to get to know him again." How true! Lately, eternity is seeming to take forever to start. But once is starts, it will never stop. To think of it logically, would I obsess about worrying about the smallest detail of remembering my brother if I knew I would be apart for a while, but see him again in a few weeks? God has carried me through all of the tough and painful grief every single step of the way. I cannot explain it too well, but it seems like even at the worst points of not understanding why it must hurt this deep, feeling like I'm losing the battle, and like I'm all alone, I constantly have this heart-knowledge that God is right here, even though he may feel a hundred miles away. Sometimes the mental picture comes to mind of my crying literally in God's mighty hands (his Sovereignty), and seeing my hot tears fall into the creases of his fingers, bottling them up. Yes, grieving will be worth it, and it is not unbearable through him who gives me strength (Phillipians 4:13).

A few highlights of the year have been these: attending a two week leadership training camp, serving as a co-counselor in a Bible camp, writing two children's books (which I really do plan to write about!) signing up for a missions project next summer, and preparing for a half-homemade Christmas. My family decided to make half the gifts we give each other and buy the other half. I would tell you what I made and how, and even add pictures, but my family sometimes reads my blog and I can't have them snooping!

God has really grown me in my faith this year too. I am realizing the depth of my sin more, and the glory and majesty of Jesus my Savior more too. Being emotional was not a big part of my past, it took a lot to make me cry. But now with Trent's death, the tiniest thing sets me off. I am glad of it though: God has, in a way, increased my compassion through it. Sanctification is tougher the farther you get! You also get a bigger glimpse of God's glory through it.

I started with sharing of the wanting to be 16 years old, and now here are major thoughts on being 17. First, I am a little afraid of being 17. It is the last birthday anyone gets as a kid, and oh, I loved my childhood! Great family, good friends, beautiful memories. 17 is near the last age of transitioning into a young lady, and is a little sad. But there is also joy. Cooking, making soap with Mom, and even doing dishes have been so enjoyable this year, and even more so at the thought that maybe one day I, too, will be a mother. I am very excited about becoming a mature young lady for God, and seeing what he will do in my life for the fame of his name and the good of his people, as he promised.

Hearts and Money

In John 21:1-4, we are told about a widow who gave generously to further the kingdom of God. Generously? When I think of the word, I think of entering my grandmother's house and hearing my cute little brother ask sweetly, "Grandma, do you think we could maybe have some candy?" To which comes the reply, "Oh, go ahead, take whatever you want, sweetie!" My brothers suddenly become deathly hungry, and as I see their overflowing handfuls trying to catch the two pieces falling back into the container, hoping to not let Mom see from the corner of her eye, I think: generosity. When I stand at Vacation Bible school in the beginning of fall and listen to the director who announces every year, "A generous person has offered to match whatever money we can raise this week!" Pretty sure we are going to raise at least a few hundred dollars, I think: generosity.

Perhaps the reason I think of these actions as generosity, which is rightly so, but think not much of the putting into the offering plate of $5 is that my heart, probably like those of the on-lookers in the scene in the Bible, is warped by sight and considers the handful rather than the heartful. The scene starts, "As he looked up, Jesus saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury." (John 21:1) A more modern idea might include a thick fold of hundred dollar bills, but in this case, because of the comment Jesus made, it would seem that the hundred dollar bills were not folded, but laid out, facing the "audience", and dropped in one by one. Eyes would have gotten bigger, "He gave $XXX!" "She gave $XXX!" But the oohing and the ahhing was almost sure to come to a gasp when a poor widow weaved through the confused givers and gathered up the courage to drop in two very small copper coins. John 21:2, "He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins." What was she thinking? Wasn't she embarrassed to put in only two tiny little pieces of copper, probably not much more valuable than dirt? Why did she even bother? What good would they do for God's kingdom?

On the other hand, what could that widow have bought with those two coins? Though they weren't much, they were something: it was hard for widows to earn any money in this time period, and she could have bought something, though small, that would have meant the world to her: perhaps a bit of food, perhaps a scrap of cloth, or maybe even a few hours of shelter. But she refused her last material dependency, because she valued God as higher than the world.

Jesus' voice was heard saying (John 21:3-4), "I tell you the truth," he said, "this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."

But Jesus, didn't you see the last person's big cash? Did she slip in something big while I was looking at the temple decorations? They disciples did comment, by the way, in the very next verse (4) about the temple adornments. The thing that I think people of that day and I know people of this day didn't see was the giver that God loves: the cheerful giver. He didn't say the wealthy giver, nor the abundant giver, but the cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7). God's standards did and does not measure by the handful, but the heartful. This woman gave from her heart.

I mention this passage and these thoughts because a few days ago, I was telling a little boy an answer to his question about why I baked over two hundred cookies, which was for a fund-raiser for the Peru missions project. I worded it, "So that I can go to Peru and tell people about Jesus." At once he responded that he wanted to give me his one dollar. I was a bit shocked and didn't want to come across as if I was asking for money, so I tried to explain, but he said, "No, really, I want to give you my dollar! I have it in the van just outside. I was going to buy something at the store, but you need it more than I do."

What could that little boy have bought with that one dollar? It is not very easy for such a young boy to earn money in these days. He could have bought something, though small, that would have meant the world to him: a bouncy ball, a big lolly pop, a glow stick, a little car, you know: the things little boys' eyes go gaga for! But he refused, I believe his world, for the sake of telling others about Jesus. Looking into this little boy's face, I saw perfectly: generosity. This little boy, like the poor widow, gave out of his heart, and will be rewarded eternally for it! God had done a supernatural miracle in his heart and gave him eyes to see the true value: God. Eternity. The kingdom to come. This little boy's heart was not the only one that was impacted hugely: God changed my focus. God has provided what I have needed and more for my first few deadlines of fund-raising, but I was focused on the big, scary dollar number that had to be met.

But God, out of his grace, showed me what mattered more than I already had and more than what I need to have: the heart of boy who gave to God his only dollar.

Why I Hope in God Through Teenage Grief

Just when I thought I was in control and life seemed

easy, God woke me up to the reality of the consequences

of sin.

When Eve took that first bite from the fruit in the

garden of Eden, she acted upon her rebellious motive,

“My reasoning must be better than God's command!”

Choosing to lean upon your own understanding

instead of trusting in God with all your heart always leads

to devastating punishment, some of it immediate, and some

long-term: death and separation from God in hell.

I had never personally tasted the horror of death before the day my little brother died. Sure, I heard of the older person who died that was a grandparent of a friend's cousin's mom, or something of the sort. I knew that death struck hard and pain marked the way of grief. Natural disasters killed even children, but they never touched me. I was in my own little safe world, far away from death's sting. It was easy to trust in a God who did not let anything bad happen to me.

But as Jesus promised his disciples, in this world I did have trouble. On February 18, 2011, God took my 12-year-old brother Trent home in a skiing accident. On that cold, icy night, I knew the power that sin held over this world. Seeing Trent's stiff, yellow body emptied of his spirit lying on a helpless hospital bed struck my heart with the seriousness of sin and the holiness of God. God is this holy, he is so important and set apart from us that one offense as an expression from a dirty, rebellious heart must be justly punished by eternal suffering, forever away from the presence of God.

Literally seeing and touching my brother's dead body, who had days ago walked by my side, excited over yet another aspect of Star Wars, teased me over how much my future husband would love my new earrings, and stood in awe of God with me – seeing him lay limp and drained of his spirit made me realize how holy God is, and that all sin directly or indirectly leads to death.

Now I must complete the verse I mentioned earlier: John 16:33, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

The God-breathed Scripture teaches again and again that our God is in complete control and planned absolutely everything for his glory first and foremost. He chose to allow Adam and Eve to disobey him and sin in the Garden of Eden to fulfill an even better plan: to redeem (buy back) his people. As slaves to sin in offense to the Holy God, we deserve his wrath forever. But in his grace to glorify his name, God sent Jesus to die a shameful death on the cross to pour out his blood in an act of paying the debt of those he chose from a sinful people to glorify his Father.

Out of his great mercy, God chose to draw Trent near to him and believe in Jesus for his salvation, thus saving him! Because God saved him, Trent is now in Heaven with him as he promised. God himself has given us hope in his promises in his Word:

“Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5.

“Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep (die), or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words.” 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.

Through the days of tear-stained grief, we lift up our eyes to God and trust in his Word, knowing that he disciplines his sons he loves. Passing up the temporary, sin-tainted pleasures of this world and this life, we strive on toward the goal to finish the race and store up eternal Heavenly rewards that God promised. God comforts me, his redeemed child, according to his promise to comfort his children as a mother comforts her child. As Jesus causes my heart to trust him, I can say, sometimes literally through the tears, “Oh death, where is thy sting?” For Jesus has already overcome the world!

Throughout this process, our family has been constantly asking many people a question I want to challenge you with. If you died tonight and faced God, would he sentence you to Heaven or hell? Why? How can you be sure?